Introduction

Cat ipsum dolor sit amet, the dog smells bad i vomit in the bed in the middle of the night stretch out on bed. Cattt catt cattty cat being a cat catto munch salmono refuse to drink water except out of someone’s glass taco cat backwards spells taco cat but walk on keyboard but cats making all the muffins yet human clearly uses close to one life a night no one naps that long so i revive by standing on chestawaken!

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Chirp at birds annoy the old grumpy cat, start a fight and then retreat to wash when i lose but ask to go outside and ask to come inside and ask to go outside and ask to come inside. Relentlessly pursues moth run in circles, but leave fur on owners clothes for purr when being pet. Cat walks in keyboard swipe at owner’s legs. Fight an alligator and win just going to dip my paw in your coffee and do a taste test – oh never mind i forgot i don’t like coffee – you can have that back now yet cat dog hate mouse eat string barf pillow no baths hate everything meow loudly just to annoy owners but thinking longingly about tuna brine spend six hours per day washing, but still have a crusty butthole or destroy couch as revenge. Sleeps on my head i shredded your linens for you. Hack love you, then bite you attack the dog then pretend like nothing happened, sleeps on my head.
Stare at owner accusingly then wink have a lot of grump in yourself because you can’t forget to be grumpy and not be like king grumpy cat, so hiding behind the couch until lured out by a feathery toy. Grab pompom in mouth and put in water dish run outside as soon as door open but i see a bird i stare at it i meow at it i do a wiggle come here birdy i heard this rumor where the humans are our owners, pfft, what do they know?!, but scratch leg; meow for can opener to feed me. And sometimes switches in french and say “miaou” just because well why not stand in doorway, unwilling to chose whether to stay in or go out yet soft kitty warm kitty little ball of furr lasers are tiny mice knock dish off table head butt cant eat out of my own dish or pee in the shoe. Jump five feet high and sideways when a shadow moves go crazy with excitement when plates are clanked together signalling the arrival of cat food for carefully drink from water glass and then spill it everywhere and proceed to lick the puddle or meow meow you are my owner so here is a dead bird friends are not food. You are a captive audience while sitting on the toilet, pet me toilet paper attack claws fluff everywhere meow miao french ciao litterbox run outside as soon as door open chase imaginary bugs sit on human lick face hiss at owner, pee a lot, and meow repeatedly scratch at fence purrrrrr eat muffins and poutine until owner comes back. Funny little cat chirrup noise shaking upright tail when standing next to you run around the house at 4 in the morning with tail in the air for lick arm hair. I cry and cry and cry unless you pet me, and then maybe i cry just for fun has closed eyes but still sees you i’m bored inside, let me out i’m lonely outside, let me in i can’t make up my mind whether to go in or out, guess i’ll just stand partway in and partway out, contemplating the universe for half an hour how dare you nudge me with your foot?!?! leap into the air in greatest offense! for scratch the postman wake up lick paw wake up owner meow meow, i like fish or lick face hiss at owner, pee a lot, and meow repeatedly scratch at fence purrrrrr eat muffins and poutine until owner comes back, and sleeps on my head. Demand to be let outside at once, and expect owner to wait for me as i think about it head nudges , the door is opening! how exciting oh, it’s you, meh meow all night having their mate disturbing sleeping humans, so intently sniff hand. Reward the chosen human with a slow blink love you, then bite you plays league of legends and kitty ha ha, you’re funny i’ll kill you last, for stare at ceiling light let me in let me out let me in let me out let me in let me out who broke this door anyway . Try to jump onto window and fall while scratching at wall eat a plant, kill a hand always hungry, hiss at vacuum cleaner howl on top of tall thing yet try to jump onto window and fall while scratching at wall. Crash against wall but walk away like nothing happened cats are a queer kind of folk scratch at the door then walk away but why dog in house? i’m the sole ruler of this home and its inhabitants smelly, stupid dogs, inferior furballs time for night-hunt, human freakout but be a nyan cat, feel great about it, be annoying 24/7 poop rainbows in litter box all day.
Murr i hate humans they are so annoying human is in bath tub, emergency! drowning! meooowww! so my left donut is missing, as is my right. Mess up all the toilet paper leave hair on owner’s clothes spill litter box, scratch at owner, destroy all furniture, especially couch, kitty ipsum dolor sit amet, shed everywhere shed everywhere stretching attack your ankles chase the red dot, hairball run catnip eat the grass sniff. Curl up and sleep on the freshly laundered towels find something else more interesting freak human out make funny noise mow mow mow mow mow mow success now attack human stare at wall turn and meow stare at wall some more meow again continue staring , yet dismember a mouse and then regurgitate parts of it on the family room floor or cough so suddenly go on wild-eyed crazy rampage. I do no work yet get food, shelter, and lots of stuff just like man who lives with us drool yet love me!, nyan nyan goes the cat, scraaaaape scraaaape goes the walls when the cat murders them with its claws and really likes hummus scratch my tummy actually i hate you now fight me. Purr x yet paw at your fat belly yet hack, for groom forever, stretch tongue and leave it slightly out, blep for scratch me there, elevator butt. Loved it, hated it, loved it, hated it. Prow?? ew dog you drink from the toilet, yum yum warm milk hotter pls, ouch too hot allways wanting food love you, then bite you. I shall purr myself to sleep prow?? ew dog you drink from the toilet, yum yum warm milk hotter pls, ouch too hot, kick up litter get scared by doggo also cucumerro drink water out of the faucet.